The Teras Trials by Lucien Burr

This book is too good for Kindle Unlimited – I absolutely loved it.

So in marketing speak I suppose you would call it a dark academia, horror, fantasy, queer romance – which is a word soup that simply doesn’t do it justice.

It’s a dark, gory, emotionally weighted fantasy. A romance, sure, but even more a coming-of-age story for our protagonist Cassius. Aside, but what a great character name, even better than Lucien, which has been done to death in the queer romance space.

Although, I don’t think its quite accurate to say Cass finds himself. At the end of the story he is still as plagued by self loathing as he was at the start, only he now has even more awful reasons for it. To me his emotional journal is about letting go of the need to find acceptance from others.

It is the experience of making the hard decisions, of knowing it was the best one available at the time, of knowing others would have done the same thing, but still being blamed for them, that gives him perspective. The knowledge that he would make the same decisions again, even as they were ugly or immoral, even knowing that it would lead to his friends hating him. He knows who he is, or more importantly what he is capable of, and he accepts that. Essentially he learns to live for himself, not for others, that his life matters.

Religion and internalised homophobia play a massive part in Cass’s story – which I should have seen coming as the author’s other books are kink-erotica featuring a priest and a demon (they are hot as fire – you should go check them out). The horrors and injustice of the situation Cass finds himself in drives him to begin challenging the place of religion and homophobia in his life. I loved the way Cass described loving men as a far more spiritual experience than anything he had gained in a church. There is also groundwork for a complete breakdown of faith. I can’t swear that is where the story is going but the path is there.

The online blurb describes this book as “…challenges the nature of academia…”, which given it’s self-published I take as the author’s description of the work. But for me personally that doesn’t gel. I just can’t mesh my own experiences of academia with the university of this story. What I saw was more a treatise of corporate greed and malfeasance.

I mean academia is toxic in many, many ways, but perhaps I find it hard to hate the institution, given it’s one of the few places where I felt like I fitted in, and where I met people who got me. Also, it has been researchers outside universities who have tried the hardest to screw me over – watch out for those museum characters!

The thing I loved best about the romance was the play on power dynamics. For some reason (heteronormativity – most of these books are written by women) in most of these stories the sexual power dynamics always echo through into the rest of the relationship, there is always a sense of a top character and a bottom. This is one of those few books where you really get a sense that the stronger boy sees the strength of his lover. That the domination is an act of giving on his part. We see Leo’s admiration for Cass all over the story, and Cass’s strength of character – which he never really acknowledges. Like Cass taking a leadership role in the group, with all of them including Leo taking his lead and following his orders. The author even goes so far as to show that Leo has leadership skills of his own but still yields to Cass. I loved this. It adds so much more dimension to their relationship. It is also a powerful reflection of what queer relationships are like, when you don’t have predetermined roles the power dynamics gets complex and ever-shifting.

Another thing that really resonated with me was the connection of touch with emotional intimacy. All sex scenes are about intimacy. But I don’t think I have ever read a story that so encapsulated how much sex and touch can reflect emotional vulnerability. That to give your body to someone is to lay your very soul bare. Or that captures the agonising contradiction that is desperately wanting touch and intimacy but being absolutely terrified to make yourself open to another person like that. I must have reread that first love scene dozens of times and it gives me shivers every time.

While it is an uplifting ending, the story still lacks a sense of closure, you can feel Cass has not finished growing, and the romance is still in its early stages – where the characters are deep into denial. Which fits perfectly, as this only the first of a trilogy (the last one has just been published – yay!).

It is beautifully written. Deeply immersive in Cassius perspective. Cass comes across as deeply flawed and realistic, without being whiny or tedious and his growth is real and driven. Further all the other characters are nuanced and we spend a great deal of time (along with Cass) wondering what they are thinking and why they are doing what they do. None more so than Leo, plenty of messy subtext in the relationship to chew over.

Teras is certainly not for everyone. It requires deep immersion and is undeniably gory and heavy, and you better like a lot of subtext and people doing things that will never get adequately explained. But it’s well worth it.

I want my own copy, so I can keep coming back to this. And I can ‘cos there is a kickstarter!

PS: You can find my thoughts on Book Two (Teras Tactics).